My (Hypothetical) Marathon Twitter Feed

Ah, social media. For better or for worse, it pervades almost every area of modern life. And while I consider my runs sacred, inviolable, and not to be touched by the nuisance of real-time updates (other than mile splits, of course), it is interesting to wonder what it would look like if a marathoner provided mid-race tweets...

Race day, baby! Up at 4:30am. Bib number on and ready to roll! WOOP! #marathon #pr #iliveforthis

Okay, so WHERE IS THE BAG DROP??? Am I the only one who is completely lost?? #freakingout #helpme

Longest. Line. Ever. #portajohn #bathroomissues

Ahh! They’re singing the national anthem… It’s almost time! #ohsaycanyousee #usa #readysetgo

The first corrals are off… why is this taking so long??? #hurryup #corral7

“I got the moves like Jagger, I got the moves like Jagger, I got the mooooooves like Jagger.” LOL #preracedanceparty

Everybody here looks faster than me. I don’t have a good feeling about this. #nervous #wishihadtrainedmore

No way! The guy next to me knows my cousin’s friend’s husband in Cincinnati. They worked together or something. #smallworld

Mile 1: Here we go! WOOP WOOP! Thanks everyone for your support! I’ll see you at the finish!!! #loverunning #marathon

Mile 2: Agh... Twinge in my left quad. WTH?? #notgood #tooearlytobehurting

Mile 4: Perfect mile splits, baby! Just call me the pace queen. #igotthis

Mile 5: Annnnnd I just got passed by a runner in a banana suit. This is not cool. Not cool at all. #thisispersonal #fastfruit

Mile 5.5: Banana suit. Eat my dust. #revenge #beatachiquita

Mile 7: LOL! Totally choked on my water and drenched myself at the last aid station. How do people drink without stopping? #skillz #pinchthecup

Mile 9: Running next to a guy who breathes like he’s the lovechild of a hacksaw and an oscillating fan. #somebodyshootme #wheezer

Mile 10: Finding my stride and feeling strong! “Just a walk in the park, Kazanski.” #topgun #iceman #11down #15togo

Mile 12: Not appreciating the “Almost there!” signs. Don’t they know the full and half haven’t split yet? #wheresthelove #fullmarathon

Mile 13: Halfway! Halfway…? Ugh. #notwhatiwanttohear #nothelping

Mile 15: Calf cramp. Side cramp. Stomach cramp. Why do I feel this way? #letsgetcrampy

Mile 16: Does anyone else think Wayne Newton and Neil Diamond are slowly morphing into the same person? #lifequestions #philosophical

Mile 18: I hope I get hit by a car. I hope I get hit by a car. #thewall #pain

Mile 19: Singlet. That’s a funny word. Sinnnggg-letttt. #singlet #giggling

Mile 21: I swear, one more GU and I’ll puke. How I loathe you, Banana Strawberry. Never ever again. #queasy #wheresthebathroom

Mile 22: No. Way. The hacksaw-oscillating-fan guy is back. AND he’s drafting. Someone’s gonna get kicked in the shins. #anditsnotgonnabeme

Mile 23: “Shake it, sh-sh-sh-shake it like a Polaroid pic-tcha.” #heyya

Mile 24: The world hates me. This course hates me. This sport hates me. #whyamihere #thewall2

Mile 25: Richard Simmons wears singlets and split shorts all the time, but I don’t think he’s ever run a marathon. #suspicious

Mile 25.5: Where is the finish line? Why is it so far away? WHY? WHY? WHY? #whenwillitend #dying

Mile 26: No, seriously. Where is the finish line? #shouldntibedonebynow

Mile 26.2: Victory! I love this sport! I love this race! I love the volunteers! I love all of you! I love the world! #greatestdayever

Whaaaaat??? They ran out of Mylar blankets already?? #imnotthatslow #idontgetnorespect